Saturday, April 07, 2007

We are as one, against poverty

As usual, that fine woman Mofe Naira wakes me from my dogmatic slumbers.

Here at the Church of Greener Pastures:

Poverty is not our portion. We cast it out!
Extreme wealth is our portion. We sing it in! Hallelulah!

We are intensely relaxed about members of our flock having extreme wealth. Just so long as we pastors are even more wealthy. If the mighty Jesus were alive today, he would surely have a Lear Jet, for his flock is cast far and wide. I venture to think that he may have put an order in for His Own Airbus 380, so that his Global Ministrations are undertaken with maximum comfort.

What is so wrong with wanting a different coloured Hummer for each day of the week? My God is a rich God, in the mighty name of Jesus. I stand against those infected with poverty. They shall not enter through our divine, gold-plated doors.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Shun poor people to avoid being infected with poverty

My dearest congregation,
It is in pure desperation that I share with you the blessed message of Rev Walter Nnamdi Okeke who has stated beautifully what I have been repeating endlessly in our sermons.

poverty is an infectious disease "and so you should not associate with poor people, lest you should contact the disease."

Of course! Do not be confused by those wealthy people who do not have our faith the reason why is self-evident as Reverend explains

But by the grace of God, we are trying. One thing about working as a cleric overseas is that when you talk about money, the whiteman has money. Talk about everything, they have it. But there is something they don’t have that I believe we have. That is anointing. So, when they see it, they believe because seeing is believing.

Everybody say "ANOINTING!"
So remember dear brothers and sisters. Next time another one of your poor relatives come asking for money to buy food, pay school fees or stave off whatever poverty is ravishing them, just shout
"GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!!"
and shut the door quickly before the demons of disease, pestilence and hunger harvest your soul as well.

AMEN!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

A TESTIMONY ON BLESSING

Dear congregation,

I promised to give you this testimony after the car accident that happened after this week's end of year conference and revival of blessings.

TESTIMONY 1

While driving away in the Ferrari given to the church by a grateful parishioner, some god-forsaken idiot did not move out of the way when he saw me approaching
Anyway, we thank the good Lord for the blessing of airbags and the blessing of church insurance. AMIN OH!

Please look at this picture to see what this idiot did to the official car of the church! (The COGP logo is on the other side). It is no surprise that he was driving such an old model wretched car. Such a clearly evil person will never experience the bountiful blessing of a ferrari.

But ladies and gentlemen, the real testimony is that I came out of the accident without a scratch on my body while the driver of the ugly car broke two ribs. He clearly was not deserving of the miracle of airbags which our good Lord gave to me.

By these evidences shall you know the children of the Lord, from the children of Satan. SAY AMEN!!

TESTIMONY 2
Two weeks ago, while driving on 3rd Mainland Bridge, the car in front of me got attacked by armed robbers. I sharply locked my doors put my gear into reverse and did a u-turn. It was the Angel Gabriel himself that cleared the one-way traffic behind me that day, God knows I cannot remember how I escaped.

As the poor driver was screaming for help, i shouted to him before winding my glass up
"HEAVEN HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES!!" and sped away. I would have liked to add the chapter and verse of the bible for that quote, but alas, the automatic glass of the mercedes was too fast for me.

We thank the Lord that it was not me who was a victim of armed robbery!

A child of God will escape with a testimony to tell, but a child of Satan will suffer the consequences. AMEN!!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Sisters! Do Not Let Men Pay for your Hairdo

My dear brothers and especially sisters, I am sorry for the lack of posts and postages but I have been busy with the work that God has given me. I have decided to outsource some of my posts to other sisters and brothers working in the field, that we may all share the wisdom. Below is an important message from Aunty Agatha who writes for thisdayonline about the spiritual consequences of a man paying for your new hairstyle. Read on.... http://independentngonline.com/news/164/ARTICLE/14883/2006-11-10.html Dear Agatha, Please, help me with this touchy issue I have been battling with for sometime now. Recently, your sister came to my house on a visit. She saw me asking a man I recently met to give me money for a hairdo. He gave me the money, but your sister advised me against using the money for my hairdo, saying that you said it was wrong; that a man a woman isn’t married to should under no circumstances pay for a woman’s hairdo. To compound my worry, my pastor also confirmed what your sister said you told her. Since that day I have been unable to sleep because I have lost count of the number of men that have paid for the styling of my hair. Bukola ---------------- Dear Bukola, A lot of women today are victims of such innocent mistakes. They either are unable to attract the right husbands, have children later in life or are totally unable to explain the terrible experiences they go through in life. So, when a man therefore pays for a woman’s hair grooming, spiritually and physically he has established some covenants with her, giving him a sort of right in her life, whether she agrees or not. This is because money, being the means of legal tender, carries with it an unspeakable authority. Therefore, wherever it is tendered, it is assumed that a sort of agreement has been entered into. So, when a man pays for the grooming of a woman’s hair, it is assumed she had gone into a sort of agreement with him, and if that agreement is replicated with several men at the same or different times, a lot of whirlwind is created in both the spiritual and physical realm. The idea of men paying for a woman’s hair grooming could be considered to be fun and harmless by many women, but it is not as simple as that because they have more implications than can be determined. It is not right for a woman to subject her head to the different hands and interests of men because human motives for doing certain things differ. Good Luck, Agatha

Friday, August 25, 2006

Don't Abuse

Praise the Lord? Hallelujah.

Praise the Lord? Hallelujah.

Now, my brothers and my sisters, but especially my brothers, I want to share with you something important. A young brother came to see me in counselling last week. He is a hard working man, just finishing his SS2, thinking about starting university next year, praise the Lord? May it go well with him in Jeeezus mighty name.

So this brother came to me. And his story was that he was under attack from Satan. And indeed he was under attack from Satan. Satan was controlling this brother. How? Through self-abuse.

My brothers and sisters, and especially my brothers, God did not creat you (Praise the Lord) to take matters into your own hands. Amen? The Lord did not ask you to strangle yur manhood in the quest for pleasure, and to think unseemly thoughts.

Remember the Bookof Ezekiel 23 verses 19 and 20:

"Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions."

Praise the Lord for his word. Clearly the Lord does not like enlarged members (like donkeys), or plentiful emissions (like stallions). Praise the Lord. He desires purity in thought and in mind. The Lord is pure and you must be pure.

Remember one thing, my brothers and sisters, but especially my brothers (praise Jesus): when you are abusing yourself, who are you really abusing? You're abusing Jesus. When you are fondling your member, whose member are you really fondling? Jesus.

This is what I told this brother, and may God deliver him from Satan in Jeeezus MIGHTY name. If he can raise the dead, he can heal you of self-abuse. May your fate never be like that of Onan who spilled his seed on the ground instead of into his brother's wife where it belongs. For it is better to do your duty to your brother's wife than to spill your seed on the ground. If you spill your seed on the ground you shall surely die, praise the Lord.

May the Devil never dominate our lives or our members in Jesus mighty name. And all the people say: AMEN!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

African pastors unite!


The news that Pastor Reinhardt Bonnke is to grace our shores yet again fills me with awe and trepidation. We have much to thank our Christian Brothers across the ocean for: for coming to our land a century and more ago and showing us the evil of our ways, for introducing us to the light and the glory of the White man's religion. So of course, the news that Bonnke still has the love and devotion to visit our humble country fills me with overflowing love for this great man. Like those two other preacher-mountains that we at Greener Pastures adore (and buy all their books on Amazon) - Crespo Dollar and Oral Roberts - we give praise to Jesus, and pause to dwell in the mystery of the Holy Spirit.

However, the trepidation that the Lord provoketh in me is this: that we are now confident of our faith enough that we don't have to keep relying on the Americans. Of course, we at Greener Pastures have relied on generous donations from sister-churches in the mid-West for years. But I for one amongst the management have started to request that we at least lessen the size and regularity of international transfers that go into COGP's domiciliary account. Deaconness Mofe Naira is wrong to argue that the status quo is well (she has even suggested we request for additional payments).

I think we African churches need to stand on the rock we have built in the past few decades. Indeed, I dream that one day soon, we shall start sending money of our own overseas to help our poor African-American brothers and sisters in God's Country (I had this thought around the time of the Lord's message to New Orleans last year).

So, welcome pastor Bonnke. May the seed of your mouth spread itself across the land: there, the fruit of the Lord shall grow (especially in the arid areas of the North). But surely, it is time The Church of the Greener Pastures begins to return the favour (a tempting land deal has just come up in Texas - come brethren - let us build!)

Monday, February 06, 2006

Immigration and Visa Issues



Dear Church,
No doubt in order to spread the gospel to the ungodly countries of the US, UK and Canada, by any means necessary, many church members have travelled using other member's passports, or have over-stayed due to the length of time it takes to convert the heathen Westerners.
Church we are with you.
We are currently petitioning the embassies of these countries to create a special Missionary Visa where we are allowed to enter and leave these countries at will for up to 10 years, in order to spread the gospel.
We have received prayer requests from our members abroad, who are on the rum from police, immigration and other agents of satan as they try to have them deported and stop the good work.
We urge all of you not to visit the babalawos and practitioners of juju in order to get travel documents. You will not get anything more than a single entry 6-month visa.
If you want a 5-year multiple entry visa and/or work permit. Church of Greener Pastures is the only way to go. We have favour with the immigration officials who are men of our Father.
Please send your prayer request, along with a donation equal to $200 dollars. Euros, Pound Sterling and Naira equivalent are also accepted.
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Image from http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/4529082.stm"> BBC Website drawn by http://www.tayofatunla.com"> Tayo Fatunla