Our African beliefs are sacred. In Jesus name.

I welcome the General Overseer back from his stay at the seminary in Las Vegas. I trust the private jet brought you back in comfort Sir? I also must applaud him for his sermon on the importance of defending our Church from our enemies. In this Nigeria, there are many forces of darkness waiting to pounce at any moment. We must therefore be forever vigilant against traditionalists, babalawos and all those of nativist persuasion. We have also been bombarded by attempts to taint our beliefs with Western influences: showing of shoulder and elbow in church, and accepting homosexuals into the fold. Peter Akinola may be wrong about many things (those Anglicans don’t sing and dance enough in their boring churches for one) but I must shout his message from the rooftops: we in Africa do not have (and have never had) homosexuals. It is a Western form of degeneracy. We must stick to our African beliefs against all attempts by CNN, DSTV and BBC Food to persuade us otherwise.

The African man loves the African woman, and there is no other way around it. Whenever a man does sleep with another man in our beloved country (as I hear they do in the prisons and in Boarding Schools), it is the Devil that has entered his loins. We must join together and pray for deliverance, that his loins may be cleansed and not emptied into the nether regions of his poor victim. Satan be gone from our rich and fertile soil! In Jesus name.